Photos of Elijah Painting

Elinjah sat with his watercolors and painted for about half an hour this morning. I was watching him paint, and he enjoyed commenting to me on his work. His hand dexterity has continued to develop and for the first time he was focused on painting objects in his picure rather than simply "scribbling." I noticed he can also paint in spirals now. He is really enjoying it now. We will have to do this more often.

Tribute to Aunt Carlene, August 1940 - February 2010

I plan to read the following at my aunt's funeral, which is scheduled for Saturday, February 27.

Hello, for those of you who do not know me, I am Carlene’s niece, Stephanie. My mother Judy is Carlene’s sister.

Carlene has always been a special person in my life. Since I was a little girl she has encouraged and loved me. She has always been so happy to see me and my husband Brandon, and my children, Beatrice and Elijah. She has also given us a lot of good food.

**I want to share a few stories with you about Carlene from her childhood, but first here is something that will make you laugh. Last year she told my mamma about a dream she had. Carlene dreamed she died and was laying in her casket in the funeral home. In the dream she looked around that funeral home and thought to herself: I’ve got to get up out of here and clean this place up!

We have tried to make everything nice for her today, so she won’t have to worry about that.**

Carlene was the third child out of the ten children born to Beulah and Carl Perry. I love hearing stories from their childhood. Carlene was born early and had pneumonia, and her mother cried and cried because she thought her first little girl would never make it. They had to buy goat milk for her because she was allergic to cow’s milk. Carlene was so small that her mother made her a little bed in a shoe box. She also sometimes would pin her diaper to a pillow so that she could sleep safely on the pillow. Carlene got better though, and grew up helping her mother care for the family. She learned to cook by standing on a wooden box helping her mother. Mamma told me that Carlene used to clean and wax the floors in their old house when they were young and then shine them by pulling the smaller children over the floors on a blanket. She ironed the boys clothes and sometimes would do twenty pair of jeans at a time. One of her brothers was very particular that his jeans should stand up on their own when she was done, and if they didn't he would bring them back to her to do over. Carlene was like a second mother to her younger brothers and sisters, and because she was the first girl born in the family they always called her “sister.”

Maybe that is why Carlene loved cooking and entertaining. She grew up doing for people and she never stopped. Even when her health got bad she was still cooking for people, or sending food. She always made sure that people kept in touch. She loved children, and even though she never had children of her own, she was like a second mother to more people than just her brothers and sisters.

This is why I love thinking of Carlene in heaven. Heaven is a place that is all about relationships. When we go there to be with our Father, we will be one family. Heaven is described as having a city with many dwelling places. We also know that heaven is a place where there is feasting and banquets, and Jesus will sit down at the table with His brothers and sisters.

I have come to think that everyone will have their own special service in Heaven. It will not be work like what we know here, where we get worn out. It will be joyful activity that leaves you feeling refreshed. I strongly suspect Carlene’s work will be helping to prepare the heavenly banquets. She will still be serving her brothers and sisters, this time with no pain or sorrow.

Last year, Carlene organized a reunion for the Perry family. I think almost 100 people showed up, and it was a lot of fun, we had good food and some really nice music. But think of the reunion Carlene is having now. She is seeing her savior face to face. Carlene loved our Lord, and as much as she will love being together with the people she loved who went before her, being with her Lord is now the greatest joy she has ever known. It is hard for us to get past how we miss her, but she would want us all to know that she has never been so happy and well, and that God is loving each and every one of us more than we can imagine.

** This paragraphe will not be in the version I read at the funeral, but I left it in here because I think it is a cute story.

Follow up on "Mamma Burnout"

I didnt mean to make it sound in that last post as if getting to know myself and getting a daily routine simply made mamma burnout dissapear. The limitations that motherhood imposed on me just put me in a better position to slow down and have to be present with myself, and that was the point I wanted to make. But in terms of how I transitioned from feeling somewhat isolated to really having more of a life than I ever have had before -- that has been a journey. I have had alot of help. An Al-anon slogan says that we are "powerless but not helpless." I like to think of being "not helpless" in terms of all the places where I can and do seek help.
One way I ask for help is in prayer. A good prayer for any "poor me" feelings has been to pray for God to enlarge my heart. I know I am a selfish person by nature, and while it is easy to love your children, it can be hard to give to them 24/7 in the way they need it, even when you are taking care of yourself too. I often ask God to enlarge my heart -- to send me more love for my children and husband, and to help me just enjoy being around them and treasure these days. My children are going to be small for only a very little while and I know I will look back on this time with longing some day. I want to be able to treasure it now. When I have asked God for this, I believe he has done it. I am thankful for the blissful moments He has given me when we are all together being in the moment. Sometimes God just reminds me to stop cleaning or working and just sit down with the little ones and snuggle or play with them.
Also on a prayer note, I have asked God for strength for the day on many tough days. I often feel physically tired and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with what needs to be done in the day. When I ask God for strength just for that day, He gives it to me.
I have alot of people who help me too. Going to Granny's house is a treat for my children and for me! Having family nearby is a huge asset in terms of day to day sanity. Our family who are out of state have also been a major help to us in other ways (not the least the incredible generosity of my inlaws in recently buying us a minivan). The church provides a Bible study with free childcare, and my YMCA has free childcare while I work out. My husband is a champion at helping me with everything, and giving me time on my own for attending al-anon meetings and doing saturday training runs with my YMCA running group.
So I rely on God, family, and friends. Isn't help a wonderful thing? I believe that to anyone who seeks help, it will be given.

The Gift of "Mamma Burnout"

I should preface this by saying it is only what has worked for me; there is as much variation in ideas for living well as there is people to live. But I love hearing how other mommies do things, and if you are a momma, I'll bet you do to.
My experience has been that I have more of a life now than I did before having children. I think this is because I did not have discipline to develop my interests well before children (let's refer to this time as B.C.) All that free time I had B.C. made it harder for me to focus on developing anything. Also, I was able to divert myself with random pleasures enough that I did not have to face my character defects that were holding me back from getting to know myself better. I really had less identity then than I do now.
Having children was a sort of ball and chain for me (granted the most wonderful, sweet, and blessed ball and chain imaginable!) at first. I loved them so so dearly and wouldnt go back to B.C. for anything, but i also felt stressed and isolated. What was good about the limitations the children put on me was that I had to face myself, being present with myself and my own lack of inner resources. I had to start getting help dealing with the parts of myself where I was unhealthy, becuase I couldnt hide from them anymore by diversions.
When I began to seek help for myself, I found I was beginning to develop a positive network of support people. Goodbye feelings of isolation! As I began to get to know myself, instead of just entertaining myself, I began to discover what I really like. I like art. I like gardening. I like making my own foods. I like running. I really like gourds and gourd art.
Now, about learning what I like: I never developed myself artistically even when I was in art school becuase I never knew what I liked. I couldnt tell you what kind of art I enjoyed. For me art was one part outlet, and one part parlour trick. I got attention by making art, and that was a good part of my incintive for doing it. I didnt love it for itself that much, though. However, I am artistic, and now I am able to tell you what art I love and why. I also have found, in gourd art, a medium I love enough to persue with dedication.
Now comes the fun part. I know what I like. How do I get to do it while taking care of two small children? For me the answer has been routines. I used to hate routines but now I see them as musical living. I use the Flylady system to make homecare easier. My children take at least two naps every day, and we stay home alot so that when they are tired, they can lay down. Staying home keeps them happy and gives me more free time at home to do those things I love. The only place we go very often is church, grannie's house (3 miles away), and the YMCA. The Y is part of our morning routine now, and the kids do really great staying in nursury while I work out. I have found it is easier to be motivated to run now that I only get one chance to do it every day.
So that is why "Mamma Burnout" has been a gift for me... it has helped with getting rid of some things holding me back.

Tandem Nursing

Yes, Elijah is still nursing, and Beatrice is exclusively breastfeeding. She is little, but it is not from any shortage of milk supply. Nursing the two of them has almost created a problem with oversupply of milk, since milk is produced according to supply and demand. I have more milk now than when I only nursed one; in fact Tress often chokes and sputters when she first latches on and the milk lets down so forcefully. I do have to make sure she gets the high fat hindmilk as well as the more abundant foremilk. This is generally not a problem, because I sometimes let Elijah nurse first so that he gets the watery stuff and leaves the richer milk for her.
I used to think tandem nursing sounded very hard core, but now that I am doing it, it doesnt seem like a big deal at all. In fact, it seems so natural that I dont think I really even notice I am doing it. Elijah mainly nurses after naps and when he wakes up, though I do usually nurse him for five minutes or so while I tell him a story when he lays down for his nap. That is our routine. I did have some trouble when I first brought Tress home with Elijah wanting to nurse indefinately. Brandon came up with the idea of doing a countdown before unlatching him, to let him know it was time to finish up. I made up the "mamma minute." I say, "time for a mamma minute" and then count to ten very slowly, then unlatch him. He usually giggles and goes right along with it. Other times when he wants to nurse but I dont really have time, I tell him he can have a "mamma minute" and that seems to satisfy him. It is really helpful.
When I first brought Tress home there were lots of times when I would nurse one on each side at the same time. Sometimes I still do this. Once when Tress was about three weeks old Elijah got a very high fever with a virus and we took him to urgent care. He was miserable and cried nonstop except for when I nursed him. Tress was still at an age of wanting to nurse most of the time too, so I sat in the waiting room with a little one latched on each side. I bet it was a sight to see, but they were peaceful that way.
I had also wondered if they would pass germs to each other by tandem nursing. As far as I can tell this hasnt been a problem, at least in that it seems Elijah gets lots of colds and Tress almost never gets sick. I read that usually in tandem nursing the toddler gets a cold, and in nursing he then passes bacteria to the mother's system, which responds by making the appropriate antibodies for that sickness. Those antibodies are passed to the toddler and infant in the breastmilk, and so the toddler has the advantage of recieving the antibodies before they develop the sickness. I assume this must have something to do with Tress' good health.
I really couldnt imagine doing it any other way. It works for us. Every family is different -- I am a big believer that each family will have their own unique way of doing things. But if everyone is happy and thriving, then in my book that is good, whatever form that takes.

Is Being Married Hard? A Valentines Reflection

My friend asked me this and I said, "Yes, it is." We talked about that a little but the conversation has been sticking with me.
I decided that the hardest thing about being married was realizing that my husband wasn't perfect (I already knew I wasn't) and loving him anyway. It sounds simple to say that no one is perfect, but for me it was hard to accept that my husband was not going to be the exact person I wanted him to be.
Now I can see that marriage is a beautiful opportunity for two people to see each others imperfections and love one another anyway. Plus it may be that what you thought was an imperfection is actually just a trait that is different from what you are used to, and often a positive trait. People tend to be attracted to differences, and then they later resent that very same thing. Its just human nature. Marriage challenges you to grow beyond your limitations, to expand your character and broaden your imagination and capabilities.
When you are dating you are looking for the perfect person, and it is good to have high standards. When you get married, acceptance is crucial. I personally find it amazing how hard I can be on my husband. I fall into that "stinking thinking" that he should be exactly my own little imaginary ideal (thank goodness he's not!), and I begin to get very critical and judge his motivations in the worst way. Luckily he is forgiving, and it has always been a relief to me to realize that I am in the wrong when I do this. It is hard and unhappy work to be judgemental and critical. It feels much better to love and accept. Why is it that the happier and easier way is also so much harder?
So, yes it is hard. But it gives you an amazing chance to learn about yourself and to grow into a happier and more loving person. And it gives you a chance to be loved in a uniquely deep way, because your mate knows your imperfections better than anyone else. We need to know we are not perfect, we will never be perfect, and we are still loved. This is the way we are able to love ourselves and others. Forget "perfection" -- we dont know what it is anyway. Accept and try to understand the strangeness of the ones you live in relationship with, and you will grow and be blessed beyond what you could ever guess.

Elijah Riding in the Farm Truck

New Photos of Tress