One Way to Stop Worrying

This is a photo of our cat Jack Frost and the children. If you are wondering, Jack has white toes, as in "Jack Frost nipping at your toes." He loves water.
A recent adventure with Jack brought about the topic of this post. So, have you ever heard the expression, "Give it to God?" This is in reference to giving our worries and problems to God. I have always thought this is right on, but I often have trouble "giving God" my worries.
Well, when Jack got sick this week, I had a chance to get some clarity on this. He actually had a heat stroke. (I just realized that is kind of funny, with his name and all.) I took him to our local vet, and they treated him. His temperature came down to normal, and he was able to come home when the vet closed for the day. However, when I got him back home, he still looked very ill and wouldnt eat or drink. I took his temperature (you can find directions on how to take a cat's temperature on "e-how." We ARE getting a new thermometer for the family now)-- but anyway I took his temperature and it had shot up again. I would have liked to take him to the emergency vet, but I also did not feel right spending the extra money on it. I decided to monitor him and try to wait until morning. After makeing that decision, I kept second guessing myself and worrying about Jack. Finally it was as if God told me "Look, you just make the best decision you can, and stop worrying about it. I am the one who makes perfect decisions, you cannot do that. So let go of it and get some rest. I'm handling this."
After that, I knew it was OK to stop worrying, but I was still having trouble stopping. Then I invented a very helpful mental image. It was inspired by the shop vac we have borrowed from my parents. I love it -- I feel like I can vaccum up anything with it. So I imagined a big shop vac in heaven with the hose reacing down from the sky. It reaches down close enough that I can hold my worries up to the nozzle and it sucks them up. In a flash. I gave it to God. It is very satisfying, albeit primitive, and it actually helps me stop worrying. I have been doing that to needless fears and worries when I detect them. As a mom, I have plenty of opportunities to worry. But the shop vac is helping.
Oh, and to follow up on Jack Frost: his temperature dropped in the night and now he is fine and spunky again. I never even took him back to the vet.

My Body, My Minivan, and My Identity

This posting is a musing on some changes that have come along with being a mother. When I first got pregnant (at 28) I was really felt too young to be a mother. Ok, so I had an extended adolescance. Now I am 31, only three years have passed, but in terms of experience I feel like a different person! When I was 28, it seemed scary to me to change from my still somewhat adolescent mindset to the mother mindset. I worried about looking like a mother, too, whatever that means.
Of course my own mother is awesome, and that definately helped me face the idea of motherhood with optimism. I remember as a small child thinking that "being a mamma" must be the best thing in the world, because I couldn't imagine anyone more awesome than my mamma!
But I still felt worried when I got pregnant at 28 about what life would be like with children. At the time I worked very hard to stay thin and dress in a style that I thought portrayed my personality, and I was worried that I would loose my individuality in motherhood.
When the children (I say children because we had two pretty close together) arrived, I did struggle with my identity for awhile. But the interesting thing was that I ended up coming to the conclusion that I had not really had an identitiy to loose. I had spent alot of time thinking about what I thought was cool, but less time living what I loved. Now, I was not a total looser by any means, and I did alot of stuff. But my heart was not always in the moment. I did not always know why I was doing what I was doing, and often thought I needed to be doing something else.
And at first, I still thought identity had to do with what I looked like. I think that in our society, that is the natural conclusion. You watch TV and get all these messages that what you look like is who you are. I spent alot of time back then trying to look natural, artistic, and outdoorsy, because that was what I wanted my identity to be.
A couple of changes after motherhood brought this image idea to a crisis for me. One thing, this is an obvious one, is that my body changed after bearing two children. At first I could not deal with the fact that my body changed from the waifish, girlish figure I had before babies. Gradually, as I learned to focus on health, and what my body could DO, the miricle of making a child, making food for that child, and the amazing strength of my body to continue staying fit and strong during and after the process, I started caring less about what it looked like and more about how amazing it is. I have over time learned to appreciate even the new look of my body, and finally to come to appreciate a more womanly appearance. In fact, my husband thinks its really hot:)
Another, kind of funny change that happened was the process of switching to a minivan. My dear inlaws were so patient with me about this, and now I find it kind of a funny joke on me. Well, I think most people, to some extent, see the vehicle they drive as a projection of their personality, at least to some degree. And I dont think too many women who drive minivans really would say with satisfaction, "I think my minivan is an image of who I am." And as I said, I was still living my extended adolescence to some degree when I got pregnant the first time. So when I was faced with the prospect of driving a minivan, I did not at first find that too exciting. Over time, however, I came to think differently about what a minivan is. First I just saw it as your steriotypical "mom car." But as I hauled two little ones around in my station wagon, I began to think space could be an important thing. Actually, just the fact that we do lots of outdoors stuff, and that I have lots of art projects, means we have STUFF to haul around, and we need more space. A minivan has space. In fact, I think it has the most space of just about any vehicle you could drive, and is more fuel efficient. It is a smart and economical vehicle. It makes sense. I started seeing it that way, and I realized there is a reason to drive a minivan. My husband knew this all along, and he had actually driven a minivan in college. But I had to come to it on my own. And, as I said, my dear inlaws were patient with me about it, because they were the ones offering to buy us one.
I still dress in a way I like, that seems to me to be natural, outdoorsy, and artistic. I even bought bumper stickers that I love for my minivan, and I have a secret (not secret now!) hope to get some flames added to "the Ghost" (that is my minivan's name). But now I see those things as something for fun and not the definition of who I am. Who I am has to do with what I love. Now when I take care of my babies and my family, I am able to be in the moment and know that I am exactly where I want to be, doing just what I want to be doing. And that is what identity is about.

Follow up on "Mamma Burnout"

I didnt mean to make it sound in that last post as if getting to know myself and getting a daily routine simply made mamma burnout dissapear. The limitations that motherhood imposed on me just put me in a better position to slow down and have to be present with myself, and that was the point I wanted to make. But in terms of how I transitioned from feeling somewhat isolated to really having more of a life than I ever have had before -- that has been a journey. I have had alot of help. An Al-anon slogan says that we are "powerless but not helpless." I like to think of being "not helpless" in terms of all the places where I can and do seek help.
One way I ask for help is in prayer. A good prayer for any "poor me" feelings has been to pray for God to enlarge my heart. I know I am a selfish person by nature, and while it is easy to love your children, it can be hard to give to them 24/7 in the way they need it, even when you are taking care of yourself too. I often ask God to enlarge my heart -- to send me more love for my children and husband, and to help me just enjoy being around them and treasure these days. My children are going to be small for only a very little while and I know I will look back on this time with longing some day. I want to be able to treasure it now. When I have asked God for this, I believe he has done it. I am thankful for the blissful moments He has given me when we are all together being in the moment. Sometimes God just reminds me to stop cleaning or working and just sit down with the little ones and snuggle or play with them.
Also on a prayer note, I have asked God for strength for the day on many tough days. I often feel physically tired and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with what needs to be done in the day. When I ask God for strength just for that day, He gives it to me.
I have alot of people who help me too. Going to Granny's house is a treat for my children and for me! Having family nearby is a huge asset in terms of day to day sanity. Our family who are out of state have also been a major help to us in other ways (not the least the incredible generosity of my inlaws in recently buying us a minivan). The church provides a Bible study with free childcare, and my YMCA has free childcare while I work out. My husband is a champion at helping me with everything, and giving me time on my own for attending al-anon meetings and doing saturday training runs with my YMCA running group.
So I rely on God, family, and friends. Isn't help a wonderful thing? I believe that to anyone who seeks help, it will be given.

The Gift of "Mamma Burnout"

I should preface this by saying it is only what has worked for me; there is as much variation in ideas for living well as there is people to live. But I love hearing how other mommies do things, and if you are a momma, I'll bet you do to.
My experience has been that I have more of a life now than I did before having children. I think this is because I did not have discipline to develop my interests well before children (let's refer to this time as B.C.) All that free time I had B.C. made it harder for me to focus on developing anything. Also, I was able to divert myself with random pleasures enough that I did not have to face my character defects that were holding me back from getting to know myself better. I really had less identity then than I do now.
Having children was a sort of ball and chain for me (granted the most wonderful, sweet, and blessed ball and chain imaginable!) at first. I loved them so so dearly and wouldnt go back to B.C. for anything, but i also felt stressed and isolated. What was good about the limitations the children put on me was that I had to face myself, being present with myself and my own lack of inner resources. I had to start getting help dealing with the parts of myself where I was unhealthy, becuase I couldnt hide from them anymore by diversions.
When I began to seek help for myself, I found I was beginning to develop a positive network of support people. Goodbye feelings of isolation! As I began to get to know myself, instead of just entertaining myself, I began to discover what I really like. I like art. I like gardening. I like making my own foods. I like running. I really like gourds and gourd art.
Now, about learning what I like: I never developed myself artistically even when I was in art school becuase I never knew what I liked. I couldnt tell you what kind of art I enjoyed. For me art was one part outlet, and one part parlour trick. I got attention by making art, and that was a good part of my incintive for doing it. I didnt love it for itself that much, though. However, I am artistic, and now I am able to tell you what art I love and why. I also have found, in gourd art, a medium I love enough to persue with dedication.
Now comes the fun part. I know what I like. How do I get to do it while taking care of two small children? For me the answer has been routines. I used to hate routines but now I see them as musical living. I use the Flylady system to make homecare easier. My children take at least two naps every day, and we stay home alot so that when they are tired, they can lay down. Staying home keeps them happy and gives me more free time at home to do those things I love. The only place we go very often is church, grannie's house (3 miles away), and the YMCA. The Y is part of our morning routine now, and the kids do really great staying in nursury while I work out. I have found it is easier to be motivated to run now that I only get one chance to do it every day.
So that is why "Mamma Burnout" has been a gift for me... it has helped with getting rid of some things holding me back.

Tandem Nursing

Yes, Elijah is still nursing, and Beatrice is exclusively breastfeeding. She is little, but it is not from any shortage of milk supply. Nursing the two of them has almost created a problem with oversupply of milk, since milk is produced according to supply and demand. I have more milk now than when I only nursed one; in fact Tress often chokes and sputters when she first latches on and the milk lets down so forcefully. I do have to make sure she gets the high fat hindmilk as well as the more abundant foremilk. This is generally not a problem, because I sometimes let Elijah nurse first so that he gets the watery stuff and leaves the richer milk for her.
I used to think tandem nursing sounded very hard core, but now that I am doing it, it doesnt seem like a big deal at all. In fact, it seems so natural that I dont think I really even notice I am doing it. Elijah mainly nurses after naps and when he wakes up, though I do usually nurse him for five minutes or so while I tell him a story when he lays down for his nap. That is our routine. I did have some trouble when I first brought Tress home with Elijah wanting to nurse indefinately. Brandon came up with the idea of doing a countdown before unlatching him, to let him know it was time to finish up. I made up the "mamma minute." I say, "time for a mamma minute" and then count to ten very slowly, then unlatch him. He usually giggles and goes right along with it. Other times when he wants to nurse but I dont really have time, I tell him he can have a "mamma minute" and that seems to satisfy him. It is really helpful.
When I first brought Tress home there were lots of times when I would nurse one on each side at the same time. Sometimes I still do this. Once when Tress was about three weeks old Elijah got a very high fever with a virus and we took him to urgent care. He was miserable and cried nonstop except for when I nursed him. Tress was still at an age of wanting to nurse most of the time too, so I sat in the waiting room with a little one latched on each side. I bet it was a sight to see, but they were peaceful that way.
I had also wondered if they would pass germs to each other by tandem nursing. As far as I can tell this hasnt been a problem, at least in that it seems Elijah gets lots of colds and Tress almost never gets sick. I read that usually in tandem nursing the toddler gets a cold, and in nursing he then passes bacteria to the mother's system, which responds by making the appropriate antibodies for that sickness. Those antibodies are passed to the toddler and infant in the breastmilk, and so the toddler has the advantage of recieving the antibodies before they develop the sickness. I assume this must have something to do with Tress' good health.
I really couldnt imagine doing it any other way. It works for us. Every family is different -- I am a big believer that each family will have their own unique way of doing things. But if everyone is happy and thriving, then in my book that is good, whatever form that takes.

Super-Sleep

Since Beatrice Rose, (five months today!) has joined our family, we have been re-working our sleep life. At night I sleep on a full size matress with Beatrice and my husband sleeps on a twin matress with Elijah. Beatrice joined me all night from the time we brought her home, when she was only five pounds, and she still sleeps by my side and takes a nip whenever she goes through a light sleep cycle. I never had the crazy fatigue that I experienced when I brought Elijah home and got up to feed him when he woke.
Elijah has had trouble with night terrors. He went through a phase of waking up screaming, asleep with his eyes open, several times throughout the night. I have come to realize that he really needs a regular sleep routine with early bedtime and naps. He was functioning in a chronically overtired (and irritable) state for awhile, when I either had schedule conflicts that interrupted his nap and bedtimes, or just couldn't believe that he really needed that much sleep. When he was very small he went to bed four-thirty, and people would tell me that was wierd. Now that he is two and a half I have finally become convinced about the amount of sleep he needs and I have the determination and confidence to do what I need to do so he can get it.
We need to be home most of the day, and can't go out for more than about three hours, or one of the naps is messed up. With two little ones, it is not easy to get out anyway, so staying home is more appealing. Plus I can get lots done while they are napping.
There have been two times in Elijah's life when we have made significant sleep changes. The first was when he was about ten months old, and we night weaned him. We are in the process of the second change now, which is teaching him to go down for naps on his own. If you want to read about how we made either transition, see my posts on nap-teaching and night weaning. With Beatrice I am trying to start her early in forming more independent sleep habits than those her brother had. It has worked out well this way, because she is a more independant person, while Elijah has a high need for physical contact and "snuggling."
Now we are getting a sufficient amount of night time rest as a family, and the little ones are becoming happy little nap champs.