My Body, My Minivan, and My Identity

This posting is a musing on some changes that have come along with being a mother. When I first got pregnant (at 28) I was really felt too young to be a mother. Ok, so I had an extended adolescance. Now I am 31, only three years have passed, but in terms of experience I feel like a different person! When I was 28, it seemed scary to me to change from my still somewhat adolescent mindset to the mother mindset. I worried about looking like a mother, too, whatever that means.
Of course my own mother is awesome, and that definately helped me face the idea of motherhood with optimism. I remember as a small child thinking that "being a mamma" must be the best thing in the world, because I couldn't imagine anyone more awesome than my mamma!
But I still felt worried when I got pregnant at 28 about what life would be like with children. At the time I worked very hard to stay thin and dress in a style that I thought portrayed my personality, and I was worried that I would loose my individuality in motherhood.
When the children (I say children because we had two pretty close together) arrived, I did struggle with my identity for awhile. But the interesting thing was that I ended up coming to the conclusion that I had not really had an identitiy to loose. I had spent alot of time thinking about what I thought was cool, but less time living what I loved. Now, I was not a total looser by any means, and I did alot of stuff. But my heart was not always in the moment. I did not always know why I was doing what I was doing, and often thought I needed to be doing something else.
And at first, I still thought identity had to do with what I looked like. I think that in our society, that is the natural conclusion. You watch TV and get all these messages that what you look like is who you are. I spent alot of time back then trying to look natural, artistic, and outdoorsy, because that was what I wanted my identity to be.
A couple of changes after motherhood brought this image idea to a crisis for me. One thing, this is an obvious one, is that my body changed after bearing two children. At first I could not deal with the fact that my body changed from the waifish, girlish figure I had before babies. Gradually, as I learned to focus on health, and what my body could DO, the miricle of making a child, making food for that child, and the amazing strength of my body to continue staying fit and strong during and after the process, I started caring less about what it looked like and more about how amazing it is. I have over time learned to appreciate even the new look of my body, and finally to come to appreciate a more womanly appearance. In fact, my husband thinks its really hot:)
Another, kind of funny change that happened was the process of switching to a minivan. My dear inlaws were so patient with me about this, and now I find it kind of a funny joke on me. Well, I think most people, to some extent, see the vehicle they drive as a projection of their personality, at least to some degree. And I dont think too many women who drive minivans really would say with satisfaction, "I think my minivan is an image of who I am." And as I said, I was still living my extended adolescence to some degree when I got pregnant the first time. So when I was faced with the prospect of driving a minivan, I did not at first find that too exciting. Over time, however, I came to think differently about what a minivan is. First I just saw it as your steriotypical "mom car." But as I hauled two little ones around in my station wagon, I began to think space could be an important thing. Actually, just the fact that we do lots of outdoors stuff, and that I have lots of art projects, means we have STUFF to haul around, and we need more space. A minivan has space. In fact, I think it has the most space of just about any vehicle you could drive, and is more fuel efficient. It is a smart and economical vehicle. It makes sense. I started seeing it that way, and I realized there is a reason to drive a minivan. My husband knew this all along, and he had actually driven a minivan in college. But I had to come to it on my own. And, as I said, my dear inlaws were patient with me about it, because they were the ones offering to buy us one.
I still dress in a way I like, that seems to me to be natural, outdoorsy, and artistic. I even bought bumper stickers that I love for my minivan, and I have a secret (not secret now!) hope to get some flames added to "the Ghost" (that is my minivan's name). But now I see those things as something for fun and not the definition of who I am. Who I am has to do with what I love. Now when I take care of my babies and my family, I am able to be in the moment and know that I am exactly where I want to be, doing just what I want to be doing. And that is what identity is about.

Saying Goodbye Again

Photo above: (From last July) Smokey trying out our new baby seat we had bought for Beatrice before she was born, with Elijah's baby doll.

Tonight I had made plans to cook a special meal for Brandon in honor of his completing his current Latin course. (He took his final exam Thursday. I have to put in a cheer for my husband here, because he found a way to do his Latin course even working two jobs, and did it in a way that didnt take a way from family time... and still got all A's!)
Our dinner never came to be, however, because just before Brandon arrived home I found our cat Smokey lying badly injured on the driveway. I tried to stay calm in front of Elijah, but I knew Brandon would need to get him to the vet right away. It turns out Smokey had multiple injuries and would have needed at least two surgeries and had only a chance of recovery, not to mention a long and painful healing process if he did make it. We were willing to try whatever it took, but after prayerfully considering everything and talking with the vets, we felt it was better to go ahead and say goodbye to Smokey.
This was a hard thing to do. Once again I am thankful for my husband here. I did not even want to look at Smokey up close when he was hurt (because it was so sad), and Brandon took care of getting him into a box and driving him to the emergency vet. I was also glad he could make the final decision about what course of action to take with Smokey, because I would have had a much harder time deciding what to do.
I appreciate Leila's mother praying for us to have wisdom in making that decision. It is such a hard, sad postition to be in.
We will miss Smokey. I feel some comfort because I do think it is pretty likely that animals go to heaven. If you want to know why I think so, read C.S. Lewis's section on Animal Suffering in "The Problem of Pain." I think so for other reasons as well, but I like what he says on it. Its a fantastic book anyway.
P.S. I think we will probably end up keeping Jack Frost insinde all the time now. Even though we are back from the road and on a good bit of land, it seems like dogs are a problem around here. I think J.F. will do fine, because he is very young and likes the house anyway.

Outing to Sycamore Rec.

Friday the weather was beautiful and my friend Francis and I took our little ones to Sycamore Recreation Area. We enjoyed playing by the river, watching ducks and boats, and swinging at the playground. Here are some of our photos.

Its Springtime!

Today is warm and beautiful and sunny in Tennessee. Both the little ones played outside this morning and they were so interested in looking at everything, that they would barely give me a chance to get a picture. I did the best I could! It is amazing how beautiful the first spring days feel. It is like we are coming out of hybernation!

I found our first buttercup peeking out from behind our apple tree. Will we have apples again this year? I hope so! Our apple tree has the most delicious apples ever.

I noticed there are alot of exclamation points in this when I proofed it, but it is springtime, and that is just how it is.

See Mommy Run

Those are not my children, but they are in the double jogging stoller I have, the Bob Revolution Duallie, and it is a cute picture.

I had been running about ten years when I got pregnant with Elijah. I went ahead and kept running throughout both my pregnancies. I am thankful that I did not have any complications or health problems that would prevent me from going about my normal exercise routines. With both babies I was able to run 5k races at five months, and won my age group both times (OK, I admit both times it was a really small race, but still...). My doctors knew I was running and were perfectly fine with it. In my second pregnancy I was still nursing Elijah, so between nursing, growing a baby, and running, my body was doing alot. I did more spin classes than running in the second and third trimeters that time. Now I am nursing two little ones and training for a half marathon. Since Beatrice started sleeping through the night, I am able to do more. I was dissapointed at first when I couldnt jump right into training again after she was born. I had to be patient with my body and cut back my running days to only three per week. I think the lack of sleep was keeping my muscles from recovering as effeciently.

The most helpful thing about running when pregnant and with babies has been learning to listen to my body. I dont push it too hard. I have found that when my body is too stressed it is impossible to increase my fittness level. I have found that there are times when I get better results from taking time off. At the same time, exercise helped me alot when I was sleep deprived. It actually energized me and made it easier to get through those days. In some ways having two little ones has been easier than having one because they keep me moving around more, and it is often when you sit still that fatigue is really hard to bear. It keeps me in touch with my body, trying to tell how much exercise helps me without going overboard and doing it until it wears me down.

Moderation takes more focus than going to an extreme.

It also sounds ironic, but having less time to exercise makes me more motiviated. I do most of my running at the YMCA, while the little ones are in the nursery. Whenever I have an opportunity when someone can watch the children while I go for a run, it is really a treat and I just take off.

Someone said to me today, "wow you have a six month old baby and you are doing a half marathon, thats great!" I said, "Oh, that does sound good, doesn't it? I forget to look at it that way!" Basically, with babies, just getting out there makes you a winner! Thats nice, isnt it?

Homemade Baby Food

This is Beatrice is trying her first dessert, a mix which I call "plums and greens pudding."

Beatrice is eating solids now, and I have been thrilled to find that it is very easy to make my own baby foods. She is eating better than her brother did, and when I taste her food, I think I know why. The home made food is delicious! I always finish hers if she doesn't eat it all. I am also fortunate to have lots of garden fresh produce stored in our freezer. She has had apples, butternut squash, and green beans that were locally grown last summer.

So here is what makes it so easy. I take out a bag of frozen fruit or vegetables, defrost, steam, and then blend to a creamy consistency, mixing rice milk or rice cereal if it needs it. Then I pour or spoon the puree into an ice cube tray, cover, and freeze. When it is frozen I pop it out of the tray into a freezer bag. The whole process takes about half an hour at most, and when I am done I have one to two ounce size potions that I can take from the freezer bag and microwave, so that its ready at any time. I can also get out different flavors and mix them. It tastes much better than store bought, and is way fresher and less processed, so she is getting lots more nutritional value. Yum!

Natural Ant Control

The little bitty black ants.... If you have ever had those in your home, you know they are a cursed breed! We have been having our home sprayed regularly just to keep them under control. Now that I have two babies, I am tired of having poison sprayed around. I looked up natural forms of ant control and am testing something new. I have been mopping the floor around the area where the ants come in with vinigar, every night. I am also wiping the countertops down with vinigar and sprinking cinnamon around the edges of those areas (it smells nice, too). So far, no ants. I will update in a month or so with the longer term results.
Anyone else have ant control ideas?

UPDATE: Two days with no ants. I mean NO ants, not a single little scout anywhere!

UPDATE AFTER TWO WEEKS: Ok, so I slacked off and didnt mop or wipe the cabinet with vinegar for about a week. Finally, I saw a few ants. I cleaned up all the cinnamon that I had put down, and the next day it rained (which really brings in ants at our house) and their were quite a few ants in the house after that. I took everything off the cabinet and floor around the door, where they come in, and mopped and wiped with vinegar again. This time I sprinkeld black pepper instead of cinnamon. Within a couple of hours there was not an ant to be seen. I am thinking I will just have to stay on top of "vinegar and spice" applications. Thats fine with me because it motivates me to keep things cleaner, and even with the poison, the best you can hope for is to "manage" your ants. I think I will try some dichotamous earth outside too. That stuff was awesome for Japanese beatles last summer, and Ive heard it works for ants as well.

Wooly Pants for Baby

Here is Beaatrice Rose at six months, sporting her new handknit wool diaper cover. Why use wool for a diaper cover? I use cloth diapers and that means I have to cover them with plastic pants or some other cover to prevent baby's clothes from getting soggy. Cloth diapers have come a long way in the past twenty years or so. Now you can choose from an enormous array of easy diapering options -- I use organic diapers made of cotton or bamboo, with velcro closures and fitted with elastic. Over this, I prefer to put a wool cover because it is a natural breatheable fiber. Wool is also naturally antibacterial, which means it resists odors. I treat my wool covers with lanolin, a natural oil that is widely used for nipple cream for breastfeeding mothers. The lanolin is derived from sheepskin, and basically it restores the natural water resistant quality to the wool fibers. It is sort of like conditioning it, and makes the wool softer. I wash my wool covers by hand with a special woolwash.
For me, cloth diapering is a hobby as well as an economical and environmental choice. I enjoy using the cloth diapers, and it is not hard to launder them. The wool covers are especially fun for me, and among the few people who diaper with wool, there is a bit of a subculture with its own vocabulary and designs. Wool covers may be "longies" (like wool pants, usually worn over the diaper as pants), "shorties", "skirties", or "soakers." Beatrice, in the photos above, is wearing what would be considered a wool "soaker." Soakers are the most versitile, in my opinion, becuase they can be worn underneath any type of outfit, or worn alone as a bloomer type bottom. The second is an especially good option when you have a very cute soaker like this one. Our aunt Y____ (shall remain nameless for security purposes:) knit these for Beatrice. It is such a treat to have a knitter in our family! I love the look of a knitted cover. (We also have the best knit bibs from Y______ that are works of art in themselves.)
If you do not knit or have a knitter in your family, wool sweaters can be recycled into very nice covers. I have made some from a double layer of cashmere, and they are super soft. Some people make these with appliques on the hiny -- really cute.
The way I see it is, if you are going to make a choice that requires more intentional thought and a little more time, you might as well have fun with it!